Titan Wet
by playboydojo
Summary: A Fiction About Fiction. Short joke. You'll know what it's about by reading the title out loud. Updated with sequel.
1. Chapter 1

Thursday, November 03, 2005

A/N: Continuity sucks. If something doesn't quite match up with what happened in the animated show, my answer is "That never happened," okay? Okay. Further, although I'm reading the transcripts now, I'm still unable to watch the show in it's animated glory, so my fics diverge from sometime after Season 2, okay? Okay. Now, feel free to tell me what sucks, and I'll try to correct it.

Disclaimer: No claim to Teen Titans or anything related to it. I wrote the story, but I really don't have claim over that either. At least lemme know when you pilfer it, okay? Okay.

Titan Wet: A Fiction About Fiction

"Well," Beast Boy prodded finally. They'd been silent for hours. "What do you think?"

Robin looked up, baffled. "It's...um...well..." He looked back at the manuscript in his hands, flipping though it idly. "It's certainly a lot of writing..."

Pshyeah. The whole table was buried under a hoard of stories, fics, novellas, narratives, tales, and sagas--a lot of writing sorta went without saying.

"It's..." Cyborg gestured vaguely, looking for the right term. "It's about _us_, BB."

"No it isn't," Beast Boy took on a rather condescending tone, like Cy was kinda stupid for even thinking so. "It's made up. These are characters I made up."

"You use _our names_!" Raven objected. She stood up and glared at the little green cretin. Yeah, he figured she would use that against him.

"Yeah, but the characters in these stories ain't you guys."

"You got that right!" Cyborg interjected. "All this guy does is say 'Boo-yah.' And he listens to Pink. I told you not to tell--I do not listen to Pink! I_found_ that CD!"

"It's...certainly a lot of writing..." Robin repeated, dumbfounded.

"You think?" Raven yelled at him, out of control. "What--where in--what the hell is wrong with you?"

"It's fiction!" Beast Boy got defensive. Jeez, if he thought they'd get like this, he wouldn't have showed them. "I even say so!"

"Lot of writing...wow..." Robin went on.

"'Fiction,' he says!" Raven ranted. Boy, she was kinda pissed. Looked cute that way. Maybe he could write a story where she gets mad and--

"Look," She picked a manuscript up off the coffee table and waved it at him. "In this one--you imply that I'm engaged in a Sapphic relationship with Starfire!"

"No: I'm implying that Fictional Raven is engaged in a Sapphic relationship with Starfire. Fictional Starfire."

"What I don't get," Cyborg wondered. "Is how come I don't have a single girlfriend in the hundred or so...ah...'erotic fictions' you wrote up?"

Raven turned and looked at Cyborg like he'd gone insane.

"You offer advice..." Beast Boy tried to explain.

"Yeah, I advise getting everybody else hooked up! Man, you hate me that much?"

"Lot of writing," Robin continued. "It just goes on and on..."

Raven was incredulous, "_That's_ your complaint? That you don't get laid enough?"

Cyborg backed up, "Whoa, now don't mistake me. I'm just saying: if he's going to write about a Fictional Cyborg..."

"...and on and on..." Robin persisted.

"Over half these stories are about me," Raven rage on, "with--_everybody else_!"

"...and on, like forever. It just one big passion-fest or something..." Robin complained.

"_Fictional_ Raven," Beast Boy corrected.

"Yeah, man, that's weird." Cyborg agreed with Raven. "How come you take turns pairing Raven with the whole dang team? Why does the most antisocial Titan fall in love with everybody? And _even then_, I get shorted, man!"

"He portrays me like I'm one big super-slut!" Raven whined.

"_Fictional_ super-slut."

"Would you stop that!" she demanded.

"Just like the seventies. We're all just hopping in and out of bed with each other." Robin went on.

"Everybody except me!" Cyborg pointed out.

Raven threw her hands up. "I don't get it! With all the metaphors and euphemisms you happen to know for genitalia, how come you can barely_speak_ coherently in real life?"

"Like...'every night's just a sex party at Titan Tower,'" Robin continued. "'Come and get you some.'"

"I'm sorry!" Beast Boy finally said. "I just wanted to write something and I wrote, and this was what I was thinking when I wrote, and I wrote it! I'm sorry, okay?"

An awkward silence lingered. Finally, Starfire looked up from the manuscript she was ready. "This story is peculiarly arousing..." she observed.

"Oh yeah," Cyborg agreed. "This is sexy stuff, though."

"Hot." Robin added.

Raven nodded. "And I'm such a stud."


	2. Wham, Bam, Thank You Beast Boy

Sunday, November , 2005

A/N: Continuity sucks. If something doesn't quite match up with what happened in the animated show, my answer is "That never happened," okay? Okay. Further, although I'm reading the transcripts now, I'm still unable to watch the show in it's animated glory, so my fics diverge from sometime after Season 2, okay? Okay. Now, feel free to tell me what sucks, and I'll try to correct it.

Disclaimer: No claim to Teen Titans or anything related to it. I wrote the story, but I really don't have claim over that either. At least lemme know when you pilfer it, okay? Okay.

Titan Wet: A Fiction About Fiction

Part Two: Wham, Bam, Thank You Beast Boy!

_"Hi ladies!" Cyborg finally returned from his business trip to Tahiti. "Big Daddy's home!"_

_"Husband-Cyborg!" Starfire ran to greet him. She wrapped her arms around the absurdly sexy robot and squeezed him tight. "We missed you!"_

_"Fun in Tahiti?" Raven didn't take a step towards him. "Enough young girls in skimpy grass skirts for you?"_

_"Aw, don't be like that, Baby Girl." Cyborg said. She did this every time. "Big Daddy could only love Sweet Thang One and Sweet Thang Two."_

_Finally she broke a cautious smiled and hugged Cyborg hello. "You don't know how hard it is keeping Starfire happy for two weeks without you."_

_"And I'd love to hear all the nasty details my Dark Bunny Hon. But first let's go upstairs..._

"'...and I'll show you what the Million Dollar Man spent nine hundred, ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred, ninety-nine dollars on?'" Beast Boy read aloud.

"Do you like it?" Cyborg asked him.

Did he like it? "The dialogue is a far cry from reality, the situation is bizarre, and the sheer ego radiating off the pages is offensive!"

"...So you don't like it?" Cy asked.

"This isn't writing, Cy. It's sleaze! It's smut! It's gratuitous, cheap porn!"

"...So you do like it?"

BB couldn't think of how to tell him--BB couldn't think. "Just...can we do this tomorrow? I wanna turn in." Before Cyborg could press further, Beast Boy closed the door.

"Wow...Acrobatic!" Robin mused, reading one of Beast Boy's unfinished works.

"Do you mind?" BB snatched the paper from Robin's hand.

"Fictional Robin, played by Dirk Diggler." Robin ignored Beast Boy's outrage and went rummaging through the various sheets of notes, ideas, and half-written paragraphs. "How long can Fictional Me hold that position?"

"What are you doing in my room?"

"Crime fighter, stallion, Orgazmo's got nothing on me," Robin wouldn't shut up."

Beast Boy opened his door and shoved Robin out. Raven, apparently just standing in front of his door, jumped in alarm.

"Oh...hello, Beast Boy."

Could he not get some peace? This had better not be about the stories or he swore to God--

"'Because I looked into your eyes, saw your soul, and confronted you in a moment of human honesty. You love me, and that's okay, because I love you.'"

Beast Boy didn't know what to say, "Um...wow. That's nice."

"You wrote it."

Crap. "Raven..."

"You were talking to me when you said that. You can't make stuff like this up."

"Fictional--" Raven didn't let him finish. She grabbed Beast Boy by the shoulders and went to kiss him. Diving in for the smooch with a little too much zeal--and way too damn much force--their faces collided instead of meeting and Beast Boy cut his lip on Raven's teeth. "Aw, dude, I'm wounded! I'm wounded! My mouth is a bloody mush!"

"Oh. That was bad!" Raven chided herself, turning an ashen pink. "I'm sorry! Please don't be mad!"

"Like, only a Flying Grayson can pull one of these moves off..." Robin thought aloud, still reading.

"Oh my--I'm so embarrassed!" Raven was on the verge of tears. Various pieces of furniture in BB's bedroom were quickly becoming unstable. Why him? It wasn't fair!

"I just made a total fool of myself in front of Beast Boy and Robin," Raven continued to admonish her lack of self control while totally preparing to punish Beast Boy's stuff for it. "Don't be mad, Beast Boy. Are you okay?"

"My abs must be rock-solid from this kind of workout," Robin didn't seem to notice the commotion.

"Calm down, Raven. I'm okay." Holy crap! No he wasn't! Man down! Man down! Could he get a purple heart for "fatal wound in battle of sexes?" Damn, his lip hurt! "Robin, get outta here!"

"I'm such an idiot," Raven kept whimpering.

Robin got up to leave, then turned around at the doorway. "You may not have noticed, but Starfire and I...have this sort of...awkward thing going."

Who was he kidding? "I may have noticed, yes," BB responded, not hiding the irony in his voice.

"Just throwing myself at a younger man, like a desperate spinster," Raven went on irrationally. "Omigod: I'm Demi Moore."

Robin didn't notice his teammate's sarcasm. "So I was wondering if you could suggest a line--"

"Apparently something about her eyes and human honesty does the trick," and with that Beast Boy slammed the door in Robin's face. Jeez. He turned to face Raven. She was dabbing at her eyes with his bed sheet. Where to start? "Raven..."

"We don't have to talk," Raven pleaded. "Just...sit with me."

What had the world gone to? What had the Titan's gone to? Why did he have to show them the damn stories! There was a knock at the door, and for once tonight, the changeling was glad for it. Anything to save him from what was sure to be the awkward conversation.

It was Cyborg. He was waving another packet of papers. "I revised it! Just tell me--"

"I don't like anything that uses the word 'spooge.'" Beast Boy said simply.

"Oh...okay. I'll need to give this one more edit." Cy turned to leave then stopped. "And by the way," he said, " In my story, you listen to Pink. Turnabout, and all that."

"Cyborg, I was there when you bought it."

"I THOUGHT IT WAS TUPAC!...Oh, hey Robin."

Robin waved idly, still reading. "Whoa. 'Velvety;' I like that."

"I can't do this." Beast Boy admitted defeat and ran from his room, shouting "I'll be right back!" even though he planned to sleep in the day room. He was fumbling around for the light and finally hit the switch when he saw Starfire on the sofa, curled up, reading. He didn't know what she was reading, but he could guess who wrote it...

She turned to look at him, her eyes as large as dinner plates. "I never noticed how sultry Raven was until I read this..."

"I don't want this conversation..." Beast Boy wept. "I just want to go to sleep."

A/N: This was only supposed to be a one-time thing, but this produced the best response I've got so far, so...Hope this is just as good as the first one. Y'all take care now, y'hear?


End file.
